I love you, love and loved.
In a way, you put both of us first. You were never selfish with your love. You were wiser than me to know that it was never going to work out, so you saved me the future heartache and let me down slowly now.
In the fears of disappointing those you love, you detached to save the relationship. Brushed it off as casual, and if that feels true to you, then I can’t change that. But all of this felt real to me.
Maybe it was foolish of me to feel so vividly and strongly, especially in only 2 months. But with you, time stopped for awhile and the days blended into weeks, morphed into months. Despite rejection piling up in every other aspect of my life, you were there.
And at least we met for awhile, shared each other for awhile. The warmth shared in out bodies, cozy in a cold room with your bed that we shared. Places where we sat and just let ourselves vulnerable. The tears you shed on my shoulder, your laugh that rang through my head and kept vibrating on and on. Your gentle fingers running through that mop on my head, the warm and soothing kisses you smothered me in. It made me feel loved and wanted by someone I cherished so deeply.
I kept every memory woven deep into the grooves of my brain. No amount of concussions and head trauma will shake these moments from its roots.
I just wish we could have navigated all this together, rather than bring the walls back up and shutting me out.
In the very last moments of this, I got on my knees and begged, humiliated myself. My actions were unrecognisable, If my eyes caught a glimpse of the reflection in a mirror, I would have ran away from this version of me, as far away as I can.
So as my final act of love, I will promise to keep a distance with open arms. And in case you ever feel like you’re missing me, you know where to find me.
- RKA